Estate Planning for Elderly Parents: How to Nudge Mom or Dad Into Making a Will
Sixty isn’t what it used to be. Indeed, seventy doesn’t seem to restrict too many people either. These days, people clinically labeled “elderly” may be active, in great health, and show no signs of slowing down—have you seen who dominates the pickleball courts? So when you approach your parents about making a Will, they might look at you sideways. Why are you asking about their death when they don’t even consider themselves old yet?
Whether you’re twenty-six or sixty-two, estate planning is vital for your peace of mind and your family’s financial future. With a little planning, you can avoid common pitfalls when having “the talk” about estate planning with elderly parents (not that you would ever call them that).
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Tips to Help You Discuss Estate Planning With Aging Parents
Before you speak with your parents, you might want to share your concerns with your siblings so you can work as a team. That doesn’t necessarily mean getting everyone in the same room, as involving the whole family could make your parents feel like you’re “ganging up” on them. Talk with your siblings and choose who will broach the subject and when. If your parents confide in other family members after the first discussion, the team can reinforce the importance of estate planning and demonstrate their support.
Another thing to keep in mind is the general sentiment around discussing inheritance and gifts. The boomer generation was mostly raised with the idea that the contents of a person’s Will isn’t known to anyone until the reading after death. This isn’t a good way of planning. Surprises make for excellent television drama, but such occurrences in the real world lead only to expensive and drawn-out probate court cases. As you think about approaching parents or other relatives, consider how you might best empathize with their situation.
Here are a few more tips that can help talking with parents about estate planning go more smoothly:
Pick Your Moment
Starting the planning process early is a great way to avoid hurt feelings. It’s also a luxury, since many seniors begin estate planning after an injury or diagnosis. Initiating the conversation about estate planning earlier allows for more time to discuss options, address concerns, and make informed decisions together.
You should also find a time when your parents are relaxed and not distracted. Resist the temptation to talk about it during family gatherings or stressful times. Choose a quiet, private setting where everyone can speak openly without interruptions.
Approach With Sensitivity
The conversation might be awkward for you, but it’s more difficult for your parents. Your mom and dad don’t want to feel “old,” or like you’re taking care of them. They might have been taught not to talk about money, or not to think about unpleasant situations (like one parent outliving the other).
Start the conversation gently, expressing your concern for their well-being and desire to ensure their wishes are met. Avoid using accusatory language or making them feel pressured. Emphasize that estate planning is about ensuring their comfort and security.
Listen, Don’t Judge
Allow your parents to express their thoughts about estate planning without judgment. Validate their feelings and reassure them that you’re there to support them through the process. Address any misconceptions or fears they may have about discussing their mortality and their finances.
Your parents are going to react emotionally. Resist the urge to downplay their concerns or tell them not to worry or be afraid. Instead, listen to the words they use and try to understand their wishes. The more you understand the reasons behind the decisions, the more effectively you can help them.
Make It Less Scary
Estate planning is an ongoing process, and it can feel overwhelming at the start. Break it into smaller, more manageable tasks, such as creating a Will, setting up a trust, naming a personal representative, or establishing powers of attorney. Taking one step at a time can make the overall process less intimidating.
Your parents might also be wary of putting things down on paper, mistakenly believing that all of their selections are permanent. Assure them that estate planning documents are not set in stone and should be updated as circumstances change, especially after major life events such as births, deaths, marriages, or divorces.
Marking the occasion is a good way to maintain both positivity and momentum. After completing certain aspects of estate planning, such as signing a Will or establishing a trust, celebrate the milestone together as a family. Recognizing progress and achievements can help reinforce positive feelings about the process.
Know What Motivates Them
Demands are much less powerful motivators than rewards. A demand might get the job done—that is, a one-sheet Will printed off the internet to get you off their backs)—but even if it “works,” they’re still unprotected, and there’s bad feeling between you, to boot.
Instead, focus on the benefits of estate planning, such as providing for their loved ones, minimizing taxes, and avoiding probate. Explain how proper planning can give them peace of mind, knowing their affairs are in order and their wishes will be respected.
Real-life examples can make the topic more relatable and underscore its importance. Share stories of friends or family members who faced challenges due to lack of estate planning, or stories of individuals whose families benefited from proper planning.
Reinforce Their Control
Nobody likes being told what to do. Pushing your parents to make too many decisions at once can feel like bullying, giving them even more reason to push back. Make them feel valuable, even powerful. Let them know they have more options now than they will in the future. Encourage them to read up on common tools like trusts and enhanced life estate deeds. Remind them that they’re in control.
Respect Their Wishes
Ultimately, estate planning is about honoring your parents’ wishes and priorities. Even if you disagree with certain decisions, respect their autonomy and right to make choices that align with their values and beliefs.
It’s a good idea to take notes during the conversation to serve as a record of their choices. This can help prevent future conflict or litigation among family members.
Do It Together
One way to make estate planning less about age and more about responsibility is to tell them you’re making one, too. Like you and your parents, the two plans rely on one another. With careful management, the inheritance you receive from them will be passed on to your children and their children after them. Make them feel like part of a living legacy, making decisions that will benefit generations that haven’t been born yet.
Bonus Tip: Get Professional Guidance
The surest way to make sure your estate plan accomplishes its goals is to meet with a qualified estate planning attorney together. A professional can explain the importance of estate planning in detail, answer any questions or concerns, and guide your parents through the process step by step. A neutral third party can also alleviate tension between parents and siblings and facilitate constructive dialogue. Email us at [email protected] today or schedule a 15-minute call to get the ball rolling.